Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

It’s right before I go to bed that it seems to hit me the most. Right before I try to turn my mind off and go to sleep, that everything comes flooding in -- as those very special memories of you become so clear.

I know you are with me, and you always will be. But I will never forget those special moments we had together. The times that we laughed together and the times that we cried. I miss that. But until I see you again, these will keep me strong. Just as you always were. 

I thank God every single day for giving me you. For giving me the perfect Angel. For giving me an Angel who moulded the perfect family. The family that will get through everything together, for each other... and for you.

I'm not particularly good at talking about how I really feel, so I thought a letter would be better. I have never had a problem talking or writing. You know that. Ask anyone that knows me, and they can tell you that you can never shut me up. But, it was the days leading up to your funeral, that left me lost for words. I was trying to get some words on paper for your eulogy, but I just couldn’t get a letter out. I knew you would have wanted me to say something, but I just didn’t know if I was going to be able to. Every night before bed, when those memories became clear, I tried to write something, but nothing would come. It was about 2 a.m. on the morning of your funeral where I managed to get some things down. I just wanted to make you proud, I always wanted that. But for this moment, I wanted it to be perfect. When it came to standing up at your funeral and talking, I got through it. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I had to. I just wanted my words to paint the most beautiful picture of you, and I hope that they did.

Someone sent me a message a month ago, commending me on coming back across the world to play after what had happened. But it was never about just coming back to play. In the last few days I managed to spend with you, I remember, we would talk about everything. School, basketball, life, everything. All the things we used to talk about on a daily basis. But it was the promise I made to you that I'll remember forever. The promise to finish off what I started. Not just at school or on the court, but in my entire life. I know it won't be easy, but I will do it. Every minute of every day, I will be doing it for you. And I know when I fall, you'll be there to pick me up and tell me to Keep Flying.

Most people know the story of you and I back when you were diagnosed. I had always planned to go to America to play basketball, and the day we found out about your cancer, I told you I couldn’t go anymore. I had to be there for you, but you cut me off and almost put me on the plane yourself. You said I had to go, if not for me then for you. You wanted me to live my dream more than anything. And that’s just the person you were. Selflessly beautiful in every way. You know, we grow up thinking that our parents will never understand our tough times. But truth is, that they invest their time making sure we never understand theirs.

Growing up you wanted Em and I to be the best we ever could, but most importantly, to make the best of everything and to follow whatever path we wanted. I remember you told me once, when I was younger, that making others happy is one of the best things I’ll ever feel. And it wasn’t until I was old enough to realize that this whole time, I hadn’t been making my own path, I had simply been following yours.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from an anonymous person who reached out to me through my coach. A 12-year-old boy had just lost his mother on the Saturday before his championship basketball game on Sunday. The kid had told his Dad that he wanted to play because “Peter is playing for his mother.” They asked if I wanted to give him the boy a call and just talk to him. I said yes, of course. But right before I made the call, I wondered how I was going to manage it. I know you would have wanted me to do it, but I didn't think I could. This little boy had just been through my worst nightmare, and I was supposed to help him through it. How? But I called, and we had a good talk for a while. He was doing good. We spoke about basketball, video games, school and anything else he wanted to talk about. And right when I hung up the phone, I could only smile.

I said from the beginning that if my story managed to touch just one person, then it had done its job. Yet, from all of this, it was maybe that one phone call that made me the happiest I had been in a long time. That one special moment I could share with a kid who was going through the toughest thing I had ever gone through, that made me feel like I had made you smile too. That I had made you proud.

Finally, I just wanted to show you something I wrote while I sat in that hospital room with you....

I just sit here, in the hospital, doing what I've done every second of the last week. Looking at the sky. It's somewhat comforting but at the same time the scariest thing in the world. I'm wondering if I could ever sit on the edge of the sky. Between the light and the dark. Right in the middle. Not knowing which way I will fall. And worse, not knowing which way I want to.   

It's only when I look at you, look at you smile through all this pain, through this battle, do I realize that the dark side doesn't exist. For someone who's been through so much, to smile with that glisten in your eye that makes every child love their mum, it shows that there can only be a light. Don't mistake me, there can be dark times, but there is light all around you.   

Mum, I want you to hear this. You've shone a light on me since the day I was born. You've protected me. You've loved me, but most importantly, you've made me who I am today. They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left, but you showed me from day one, that strength wasn't how much you could push or pull, but rather how much you can love and care for your family through the tough times.   

I love you more than words. I love you not just because you’re my Mum, but also because you're my guardian angel. You're our guardian angel. And you forever will be.    

Ps. Thank you for helping me with that shot. That will always be your assist.