To a lot of people, stepping away at 27, from playing a sport I lived and breathed since I was a kid, seemed like an interesting choice that I may eventually regret. But for me, it was the only choice.
Whilst I tell my story and what I’ve learnt in a lot of depth, in a keynote speech to many different schools/groups/businesses, I’ve been meaning to share a very small snapshot of how this all happened.
When I say it was my only choice, I’m referring to my only choice if I wanted to be happy again. Because for a while there, I was anything but. And after everything I had been through in the previous years leading up to my decision, I had learnt the hard way that life is too short to be unhappy.
Everything I am now and everything I have learnt about myself, came from my Mum in the years she battled cancer before she passed away. To see how someone who was going through such a battle and still find a way to be happy, really opened my eyes to what is important in life. She never showed her pain or complained but would rather do everything she can to make everyone else smile around her and it seemed to bring her nothing buy joy in return. That was so powerful for me to experience and it was something that would ultimately change my life.
In 2015 when she passed, I had made a promise to her that I would finish what I started at college. She had always taught me the value of education before sport. That meant that I would go back for my fifth year and complete a Master’s degree in Media/Journalism, which had always been my passion. When that ended, I knew I wanted to play professionally and see how far that could take me. I felt like I owed that to myself to experience.
After being away from home for five years, I was ecstatic to learn that I was going to have a chance to play for the Townsville Crocs when I returned home. That excitement didn’t last long, as they folded soon after, which left me bound for England to start my professional career. Without getting too deep into it, my six-month stint in England was a living nightmare that ultimately led to the small cracks in my mental wellbeing opening up. I was far from happy and spent many days in tears to my partner, wondering what I am going to do next.
A lot transpired in the following years after I left that situation and I was so thankful to be back home and playing in the NBL. Through a couple of minor setbacks and some lucky breaks, it was a dream come true to sign with Melbourne and win a championship in my rookie season. After that season, I felt like all the obstacles and setbacks in my life had finally been and gone… until they weren’t. It was pretty early into my second season, I felt those small cracks reopening and I had no way of stopping them.
Ever since my Mum passed away, I have always suffered with anxiety. Thankfully, it’s never been anything on a major level but it’s enough to know when it’s controlling me. Whether it’s a big life moment or something small, from time to time, that feeling of being trapped in your thoughts/fears is something I never thought I’d have to deal with. I’m thankful that I have found ways of coping with that now. But more than that, I'm thankful to have learnt and grown from each situation. However, when it came to basketball and my career, I had no way of escaping it.
For all professional athletes, these thoughts and feelings are completely normal and can occur consistently. But for me, this anxiety became unbearable and ultimately led to me losing the love for playing the game. Every practice and every game was a challenge to overcome my thoughts on what’s next. As it grew bigger, I could see it turning me into someone I never wanted to be.
Basketball has taken me all around the world and I've played at the highest level possible, leaving me with incredible memories that will stay with me forever. In my mind, I had achieved everything I could have dreamt of with playing the game. I’d seen some amazing countries, won championships at every level and got paid to play the sport I grew up on. I had ticked every box I wanted to ever since I first picked up a ball as a kid.
However, it also meant for a long time I was never settled off the court. My partner had moved to Australia from America to start a new chapter of our life together. Between playing SEABL (NBL1) and NBL, we moved house seven times in 3 years. This required her to find a new job each and every time, which started to take a toll on me. Knowing how much I was asking of her, to pick up and change everything, in an effort for me to keep playing basketball. With that came the constant anxiety of being on short and small contracts, which meant it was crucial for me to find a good offseason contract so I could make a decent income. That’s just one of the realities of professional sport not many think about until they’re in it. The fear of the unknown.
I admire so many of my old teammates and pro athletes because of what I know now and have personally been through. I never wanted to burden anyone else with my thoughts/fears because it's just basketball right? It's just a game of putting a ball in a hoop yet my cracks had opened up and it changed me.
When that second season ended, I knew I had to do something about it. It wasn’t fair to be continuing down this path and it definitely wasn’t healthy. So I asked myself a simple question:
“What makes me the happiest?”
I wasn’t looking for any cryptic answer - rather trying to find that meaning in myself. And it became clear that it was in front of my face all along. Because that’s what my Mum had taught me. It was time for me to put someone else’s happiness before my own and see where that takes me.
For so long I had focussed on me. My path. My goals. It was time for a change. I knew my wife had found a job she enjoyed and was living in a place she loved - this was my starting point. To see that smile meant I would be okay. Everything else would take care of itself after that.
I had the chance to go back overseas or three opportunities to continue playing in the NBL but two of them required moving once again. I knew I could not do that. I also had to ask myself just where I saw myself in three years, if I kept playing. That was an honest and somewhat sad reality.
We loved living in Melbourne and I was lucky enough to be surrounded by such prominent sports media. I made, what was at the time, a very hard decision to hang up the boots and move on.
It was no doubt an uncertain couple of months as I figured out how to get into the door of my next chapter. Trying to use my other passion and my degrees to start fresh on a new journey. But at the same time, I felt settled and a strange sense of comfort.
Thankfully, I was able to start doing some media pieces for United and then waited for an opportunity from the NBL to do what I do now. About halfway through the NBL20 season, with just a few months under my belt, I found myself sitting in bed and thinking about where I’d come from. It suddenly dawned on me that for the first time in a long time, I was happy. Not just with work but in every facet of my life.
It’s been an incredible first three years of this journey and there is still so much to learn and grow going forward. I’m so thankful to those who gave me a chance to do something that I love. To be able to talk about the game, meet, chat to amazing people and help share their stories is another dream come true. Every year is exciting and every year I get to learn from some incredible people and continue to grow.
Perhaps though, the most rewarding part of all, is that I now get opportunities to speak to a bunch of different people through a keynote address about my entire journey and the things I have learnt and continue to deal with (along with some entertaining anecdotes). Being able to shed some light on coping with grief and mental challenges in sport/life is something I feel very strongly about.
When I look back at where I was just three years ago, as a person, husband, friend, and soon-to-be father, I couldn’t be happier to know I’ve managed to find a way through - using the lessons I learnt from the woman who inspired me the most.
I still deal with many anxieties and troubled moments but I feel they’re less damaging to me now - because I found my own way to deal with it and the happiness I choose to surround myself with.
Life has three rules: Paradox, Humour and Change.
-Paradox: Life is a mystery; don’t waste your time figuring it out.
-Humour: Keep a sense of humour, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure.
-Change: Know that nothing ever stays the same
Dan Millman (Peaceful Warrior)
