To Anyone Who Has Lost Someone Special....

This letter is for a very special person,

I saw an open letter someone wrote about things they wanted to tell someone who has lost someone special in their life, and it made me realize I had some thoughts of my own.

Firstly, I want to let you know that no matter what happens in your life from here on out, you are stronger than you will ever know.

After I had recently met some people who had been through something similar to what I went through, I thought maybe these words would help. I am so terribly sorry that you have lost someone so special in your life. That piece of your heart has been stripped away and I know exactly how it feels.

I have learnt a few things since I lost my Mum that I never thought I would have to know….

1.     It is okay to not be okay: You can only hold a strong front for so long, but it is okay to let your guard down and feel 100% completely vulnerable. Cry, get angry, whatever it is that get’s it out. It helps, trust me.

2.     Seeing a friend’s parents hurts: this will happen a lot in your first few months after losing someone special. Seeing them happy with their family, or even just talking about them will hurt.

3.     Watching your family cry will rip your heart out: This will be when you are at your lowest. You want to be there for them to help them smile, but sometimes it’s just hard. But you will become closer for it, because they will always lift you up when you fall and you will do the same for them.

4.     “Sorry” means nothing to you anymore: when people hear about what happened, the only thing they can say is “sorry.” When really you’d much rather them pretend everything was normal. It’s not their fault, why are they apologizing? But eventually you get to the point where you can muster some words to say back, because they’re only trying to help you.

5.     The smallest of things will generate raw emotion: Anything from a picture to a song will just bring memories flooding back. And it feels uncontrollable; as you just sit there and remember every amazing moment you spent with them. But smile, because at least you have those.

6.     Pictures become one of your most treasured possessions: You hold these close to your heart because they remind you of the beautiful Angel you have watching over you. You take one look and instantly feel your heart fill up with warmth as you feel their presence wrap you up.

7.     You wonder if they are proud of you: You will do something good that maybe no one sees. Maybe you aced a test or maybe you helped an elderly person cross the road and you’ll stop and think, I wonder…

8.     When bad things happen, you’ll just want to talk to them: It happens nearly every day. As something goes wrong, you just want to close your eyes and have them standing right in front of you ready to give you a hug and tell you that you can do this. But they are there, you just have to talk to them.

9.     Things you would only ever talk to them about, become blank notes: The only person you felt confided to talk to and hear your problems has gone. You don’t know who you can talk to anymore, so you just think, and think and think. Until it feels blank….

10. Life becomes so precious to you: You see a whole new side of life that you had never seen before. You see the beauty in the smallest of things. You see the emotions that we carry through with us each day, and you live in every moment, being sure to see how stunning it is.

11. You find yourself asking “what would they do”: You will find yourself at a point where you are confused and don’t know which road to take. It might something simple or it may be a tough decision. But you will ask yourself “What would Mum do right now?”

12. Inspiration becomes a hidden feeling: Whenever you need an inspirational speech or a message, you close your eyes and see them. It is all you ever needed and will ever need again. That little Angel sitting on your heart….forever.

13. You will see things you’ve never seen before: There will be moments when you will be with your family and you will look around and start to notice how each person has a little trait of that parent. And it will make you smile.

14. Reminiscing on good times will be a good thing: It seems like it will hurt and be sad, but to talk about that time your Dad and your Mum snuck you into your first football game together when you were a kid will make you smile. These stories will give you much joy, so try to enjoy them.

15. Talking to them becomes your favorite prayer: Every night before you sleep, you close your eyes and just talk to them. It may sound crazy, but you start to hear them talk back. Those moments you start to realize that they’re always with you… and forever will be.

Never forget who surrounds you in your times of need and who will never leave you. You’ll become stronger than you ever imagined. I hope this helps in even the smallest ways. If you ever need anything, you would be surprised who will be ready to listen to you, so don't be afraid to reach out and talk. 

All my love,

Pete

Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

It’s right before I go to bed that it seems to hit me the most. Right before I try to turn my mind off and go to sleep, that everything comes flooding in -- as those very special memories of you become so clear.

I know you are with me, and you always will be. But I will never forget those special moments we had together. The times that we laughed together and the times that we cried. I miss that. But until I see you again, these will keep me strong. Just as you always were. 

I thank God every single day for giving me you. For giving me the perfect Angel. For giving me an Angel who moulded the perfect family. The family that will get through everything together, for each other... and for you.

I'm not particularly good at talking about how I really feel, so I thought a letter would be better. I have never had a problem talking or writing. You know that. Ask anyone that knows me, and they can tell you that you can never shut me up. But, it was the days leading up to your funeral, that left me lost for words. I was trying to get some words on paper for your eulogy, but I just couldn’t get a letter out. I knew you would have wanted me to say something, but I just didn’t know if I was going to be able to. Every night before bed, when those memories became clear, I tried to write something, but nothing would come. It was about 2 a.m. on the morning of your funeral where I managed to get some things down. I just wanted to make you proud, I always wanted that. But for this moment, I wanted it to be perfect. When it came to standing up at your funeral and talking, I got through it. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I had to. I just wanted my words to paint the most beautiful picture of you, and I hope that they did.

Someone sent me a message a month ago, commending me on coming back across the world to play after what had happened. But it was never about just coming back to play. In the last few days I managed to spend with you, I remember, we would talk about everything. School, basketball, life, everything. All the things we used to talk about on a daily basis. But it was the promise I made to you that I'll remember forever. The promise to finish off what I started. Not just at school or on the court, but in my entire life. I know it won't be easy, but I will do it. Every minute of every day, I will be doing it for you. And I know when I fall, you'll be there to pick me up and tell me to Keep Flying.

Most people know the story of you and I back when you were diagnosed. I had always planned to go to America to play basketball, and the day we found out about your cancer, I told you I couldn’t go anymore. I had to be there for you, but you cut me off and almost put me on the plane yourself. You said I had to go, if not for me then for you. You wanted me to live my dream more than anything. And that’s just the person you were. Selflessly beautiful in every way. You know, we grow up thinking that our parents will never understand our tough times. But truth is, that they invest their time making sure we never understand theirs.

Growing up you wanted Em and I to be the best we ever could, but most importantly, to make the best of everything and to follow whatever path we wanted. I remember you told me once, when I was younger, that making others happy is one of the best things I’ll ever feel. And it wasn’t until I was old enough to realize that this whole time, I hadn’t been making my own path, I had simply been following yours.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from an anonymous person who reached out to me through my coach. A 12-year-old boy had just lost his mother on the Saturday before his championship basketball game on Sunday. The kid had told his Dad that he wanted to play because “Peter is playing for his mother.” They asked if I wanted to give him the boy a call and just talk to him. I said yes, of course. But right before I made the call, I wondered how I was going to manage it. I know you would have wanted me to do it, but I didn't think I could. This little boy had just been through my worst nightmare, and I was supposed to help him through it. How? But I called, and we had a good talk for a while. He was doing good. We spoke about basketball, video games, school and anything else he wanted to talk about. And right when I hung up the phone, I could only smile.

I said from the beginning that if my story managed to touch just one person, then it had done its job. Yet, from all of this, it was maybe that one phone call that made me the happiest I had been in a long time. That one special moment I could share with a kid who was going through the toughest thing I had ever gone through, that made me feel like I had made you smile too. That I had made you proud.

Finally, I just wanted to show you something I wrote while I sat in that hospital room with you....

I just sit here, in the hospital, doing what I've done every second of the last week. Looking at the sky. It's somewhat comforting but at the same time the scariest thing in the world. I'm wondering if I could ever sit on the edge of the sky. Between the light and the dark. Right in the middle. Not knowing which way I will fall. And worse, not knowing which way I want to.   

It's only when I look at you, look at you smile through all this pain, through this battle, do I realize that the dark side doesn't exist. For someone who's been through so much, to smile with that glisten in your eye that makes every child love their mum, it shows that there can only be a light. Don't mistake me, there can be dark times, but there is light all around you.   

Mum, I want you to hear this. You've shone a light on me since the day I was born. You've protected me. You've loved me, but most importantly, you've made me who I am today. They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left, but you showed me from day one, that strength wasn't how much you could push or pull, but rather how much you can love and care for your family through the tough times.   

I love you more than words. I love you not just because you’re my Mum, but also because you're my guardian angel. You're our guardian angel. And you forever will be.    

Ps. Thank you for helping me with that shot. That will always be your assist.